Thomas Turns One

I planned and schemed and cooked and cleaned (reading too much Dr. Seuss?) for a month and it's all come to a close. I've hardly had time to think this past week what with the final party preparations and visiting with my dad (who came down from Seattle for the party!) . The party was so much fun. It was a beautiful morning for a park party. The *only* sad part was that the superfriends came down with a stomach bug the day before so they weren't able to make it. We were so bummed that they all had to miss the party, but we were also sad for them being sick.

Thomas had his first taste of pure sugar in the form of a yummy chocolate cupcake (which his daddy spent all night preparing for him). Initially he asked for more, but after a few bites he lost interest and just wanted tons of water. He never even grabbed it, he just wanted me to give him bites. I am in no way complaining!! There's plenty of time to get addicted to sugar. His great-grandparents got him one of those old fashioned poppers and it was a huge hit. He had a great time walking it all over the place. Of course, probably his favorite thing to do at any park is to chase the birds and/or squirrels, and his party was no exception. After all that partying though, he was exhausted and crashed before we were even out of the parking lot.

When we went to bed I was looking at him sleeping and thinking back to that same night exactly one year ago. I almost started crying just thinking about what we would go through for the next several months (not sure the correct tense to use when talking about the future of a memory - or how to even say that!). It was all so overwhelming. We had no idea what to expect or what to do. The first 3 or 4 months with Thomas were very hard for us. Even aside from the huge breastfeeding struggles, was just the adjustment factor. It has taken us a long time to find balance with a baby and with being a family - being parents! - instead of just two adults. That's not to say that we're there, but we're a heck of a lot closer.

Having a baby is not what I thought it was going to be. First and foremost it's 100 times harder. It's lonelier, it's more boring. But it's also more amazing, moving, and grounding. He astounds me every day with what he can do and with what he wants to do. He is helping me learn patience and how to stay in the moment and what's really important in life. Everyone has heard moms say how you never know how much love you can feel until you have a child and it's true. Sometimes I just feel like I love him so much I can't stand it! What do I do with all this feeling? It almost reminds me of labor, but in an emotional way. Often it's difficult to be so utterly needed, but then he looks up at me with those big blue eyes, completely content to just nurse and I take a deep breath and remember he won't be small forever. There's a wonderful saying from a book I read recently that I've really tried to take to heart - "nothing has meaning but the meaning you give it." So, when I'm trying to finish the dishes and he keeps coming up to me, demanding to be held, I could get frustrated. Or - I could choose to hold my sweet little man and enjoy the fact that he wants to be held. The dishes sure don't care.

I'm including a link to my birth story in case anyone hasn't read it and wants to. I've been thinking about that day a lot this past week. At 4:00 pm on May 13, 2005 Thomas wasn't here. At 4:01 he was (ok, so he was here for 9 months prior to that day, but we didn't meet him until then). I remember thinking: Where did he come from? Who is he? Where are his parents?? This little person suddenly appeared and was utterly dependent on us (mostly me). I'm so happy that I can look back on that day happily. Everything went exactly as nature designed it to go. I'm glad we were at home. There was no time to think or question whether or not I could do it or if someone would "have to" help me. My body just did it. It was the most powerful thing I'm likely to experience in my life. Until next time of course.

Something I think only other parents can understand is that this past year has been the longest and shortest of my life. I hope Brad and I are able to savor these first years and roll with the challenges. Although sometimes it seems hard to believe now, I'm sure someday we'll look back longingly on this time.

Here's a link to the pictures on Smugmug and I've posted a slideshow of pictures taken during the first year. Enjoy...